Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.