I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I’m not wrong
WHO DID THIS?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?