After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Meat Cute
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.