Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Facebook Twitter
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
There is no “we” in pizza
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave