There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?