I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
You Might Also Like
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them