I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
One of the best
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
How I like cutting carbs