man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
one last job
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
pls suprot
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there