Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
umm…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”