@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

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@toomanycommas3

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

@noog

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

@Shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@abhorrent_wife

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

@Aamir_Tweetz

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@steph_mcca

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

@

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@slaughthie

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.