“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….