“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”

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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.


God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*


You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.


You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away


All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.


Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?


banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.