Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Lube but for my dry humor.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”