Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.