Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*