(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Love is in the air fryer.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.