you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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3% human
97% stress
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
what the
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“I wouldn’t.”
#Caturday
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby