took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster