The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers