I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.