Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“That’s what” – She
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.