Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
What about a To-Don’t List?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.