You Might Also Like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Genius idea!!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
repaired
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
This rocks
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance