Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*