Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
i made a craigslist ad !
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Sounds like a bargain
umm…
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.