@ruffyoung Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
@EmSlyce How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
You Might Also Like
@ruffyoung 
@LateNightSeth Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
@EmSlyce You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
@sploosk INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@robdelaney The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
@WilliamAder The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
@TrainedHedonist We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@Ygrene [being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
@_davidlucas_ The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
@DevinRange I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.