@EmSlyce

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

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@ruffyoung

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

@EmSlyce

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@WilliamAder

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

@_davidlucas_

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.