@DurtMcHurtt When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
@EmSlyce How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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@DurtMcHurtt 
@Jazzzzzmina Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
@ColoradoUgly The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
@danisbadatthis How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
@UNDEADTRESOR We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
@TheCiscoKidder It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
@noog Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
@danoverhere -Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
@KevinFarzad A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
@PaulShakeySharp Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.