How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now


The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.


We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.


It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.


Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.


-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”


A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏


Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.