How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.


You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives


INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?


The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]


The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.


I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.