How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change