How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
happy valentine’s day to me
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit