How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.