In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
sugar glider wrangler
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?