Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
so much to do
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great