A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x