My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?