Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.