I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Herpes is trending, good job people