We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.