I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Monday?
No. Next question.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.