I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip