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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Always the camel, never the toe.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.