If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Just me and my debit card against the world
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?