So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
If you know, you know
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her