friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
You know…for fall…
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago