going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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So that’s what we looked like?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
This guy’s not having it 😆
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi