Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
fr
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”