I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You Might Also Like
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: dođź‘Źyouđź‘Źwantđź‘Źađź‘Źhamđź‘Źsandwichđź‘Źorđź‘Źturkeyđź‘Źandđź‘Źcheese
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here