My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside