Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you