I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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I鈥檓 flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you鈥檙e all blocking the table
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
2022 be like
The happy life.. 馃槉
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I鈥檓 still awake because my brain can鈥檛 locate my sleep file, babe
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I texted my husband about all the sex I鈥檓 expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she鈥檚 already made other plans that day.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast