Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.