@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

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@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small