Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me sliding into hell like
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Never be a pizza!
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*skinny dips into black hole
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here