We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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ME: Get in line, buddy.
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small