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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁