Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
You Might Also Like
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Is….Is this an option?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance