Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time