Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.