I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly